I have a small black book where I’ve been writing things that I fear make me a horrible human being. I’ve been doing this for some months, sometimes I just write a fragment, sometimes an idea but usually I write about doubt. I’ve never really gotten overly personal on this space of mine, but I would like to share some personal things today.
If you’ve read my last two posts, then you’ll know that I’ve been having trouble with acceptance. I’m angry, but mostly at myself. I’ve been thinking about the times I stayed out all night, all the poor decisions and smoked cigarettes. Oddly enough, those were the best of days. I look at my life now, and the decisions that have caused a chain reaction to present day and I’m plagued with regret. I don’t regret many things in life, however my biggest one is choosing a relationship over friendships. I won’t ever get the years back that I lost, and I can only blame myself for that.
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been but a projection of myself. I know I’m unhappy but I don’t know how to have resoultion. I keep thinking about you, and how espically you I wish I would’ve kept in my life. I hate that something so horrible had to happen to truly make me comprehend what I’ve done. I say that, but at the same time these people and these memories have crossed my mind more than often. I miss you, all of you actually. Little by little I’ve been resurrecting these stale friendships, making up for time lost is all that I can do now.
Then I think about how someone has the capability of coming into your life and completely overshadowing anything and anyone you once cared about. How is this possible? A relationship should not be an ultimatum. I chose poorly.
I know I’ve been a stranger to my blog recently, I’m sorry for that. This past week has been filled with a lot of sadness, pain and regret. A good friend of mine was in a terrible car accident. When you’re young there’s a prominent feeling of resilience, of invincibility, but current events have taught me that life can change in the blink of an eye.
I’ve spent all week living in my past. Blaming myself for poor decisions and lost time. I’m very much guilty of losing touch with people who were once so important to me. Years speed by and life happens, new people come into your life and perhaps they begin to take precedent. Coming to terms with what I’ve allowed to happen has not been easy for me. I haven’t been the greatest friend. I’m not sure if I can ever forgive myself for the time I have lost, as I reflect on my favorite memories of you. I’ve been thinking of all the days I spent at your house and how I wish I could go back.
The greatest memories of my youth are the ones that contain you, and your friends. After years of absence, I felt happiness in your words. It’s almost as if this is a bad dream, as though none of this is real. I still can’t fathom that I had just talked to you hours before it all happened, and how it was impossible to know what was going to ensue. I can only hope and pray that one day we will look back on this painful time and it will be nothing more than a memory. I think about you everyday, and need you to get better soon.
These are some words I wish I could share with my friend. I’ve been trying to find light in a very difficult time and the only thing I’ve been able to come up with is this: If someone is important in your life, keep it that way. Losing touch takes two, make it your responsibility to keep them present.
If you’ve ever been in a similar situation and would like to share some words with me, I’d love to read them.
Firstly, I wanted to invite all of you to check out BiblioSmiles. BiblioSmiles is a great site all about (you guessed it) books! With many contributors, one thing everyone has in common is a passion for reading. I actually did a guest post for them recently. If you’re curious as to what my bookshelf looks like, or would like to know some of the books I have read, you can read my post here.
Secondly, I’m going to be partnering with James Moore of Independent Music Productions. James will be occasionally sending me Indie/Alternative bands for review on my blog. All opinions will be completely honest and my own. Stay tuned for my first review coming this week!
Today, I don’t have any fun pictures to show you guys. I just have words. Several days passed of feeling extremely ordinary and seemingly not having an interesting thought cross my mind. Then the words congregated as broken thoughts inside my head and now I seem to have a grasp and would like to share.
I’ve been living in the land of what-ifs recently, this lead me to compile a list of things I wish I would have known years ago. Enjoy.
Don’t lose your identity to appease someone else: Today’s society is exponentially superficial, this leads us to have a false pretense of how we’re supposed to look, act and live our lives. I touched base on this subject in a recent post. It’s when you’re young that you face many pivotal moments that are truly self-defining. I know as much as the next guy what it’s like to be insecure and as a result, attempt to completely alter your identity. I assure you the only thing that will ensue is resentment of whoever or whatever made you feel obsolete. Never try to change the person you are, make improvements if you’re dissatisfied, but don’t lose touch with your true self.
Don’t let a relationship define you: I think everyone has a friend who can’t utter ten words without mentioning their significant other. Don’t be that person. Stop referring to you and your partner as “we” and remember that you are also an “I”. Again, this goes back to losing your identity. You are an individual, let’s try not to forget that.
Stop comparing yourself to other people: This is something I was once incredibly guilty of. I lived in a constant state of devaluation because I was entirely too concerned with everybody else. One day you realized that you’re way cooler and should just focus on yourself. If you don’t believe the preceding statement to be true, simply tell yourself this everyday. Look yourself in the mirror and say “I am a badass”. Say whatever the hell you want, just say something positive about yourself, to yourself, and a day will come that you will actually believe it.
Your feelings will change:We’ve all been there. You’re sixteen and you think you know everything about everything. Newsflash: you don’t. The way you feel in regards to people, places & things will change, don’t make decisions that will keep you stagnant. I speak from experience.
Girl friends are better than guy friends: Fact. Raise your hand if you’ve heard a female go on about how she would rather hang out with guys as opposed to girls because “girls are drama”. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had and still do have friends that are guys and I very much appreciate their existence, but when it comes down to it, they’re not the ones enabling my shopping addiction and/or spending two hours in Sephora with me because I have $250 worth of make up in my shopping bag and don’t know what to do because I have to pay rent and I’m convinced I NEED it all.
There’s more, but that’s it for today. I hope at least one of you found my list enlightening.
Coinciding with my last post, time is a concept I’ve been struggling with lately. Think about it, a man-made entity dominates my life and your life, I have difficulty coming to terms with that. A majority of the decisions you make daily are based on time. It’s not even twelve noon and I’ve looked at the clock seventeen times so far today. In essence, I’m wasting time constantly checking the time.
The reality of it is, there is no such thing as time. It’s completely made up, but unequivocally controls you in the same instance. I will admit to it, I am very much guilty of living in the past and worrying about the future. When someone in my life passes away, I always think of the first time I do something since they’ve been gone. I reflect on a week after it has happened, a year after it has happened.. five years after it has happened. The same thing with relationships, we celebrate anniversaries. One year, two years and so on and so forth we celebrate spending years of our lives with people. What is a year? It’s nonexistent. Again, it’s a man-made concept.
I’ve been mulling my life over a lot lately, potentially to the point of excessiveness. I’ve been worrying about where I am in life, where I am going, and how the decisions I have made impact me so monumentally today. I hate that I can’t seem to get a grip or just accept the fact that no matter how much I look at the clock, I can’t slow down time. I can’t go back in time. Why is it so hard to accept that?
I had it in my head that I wasn’t going to leave my apartment today. All at once I felt as though the walls were caving in. Have you ever felt like that? Like you’re suffocating? I put a coat on to hide my pajamas and despite the 20 degree weather I decided to take a walk. I live near a park and that is where I landed. Freezing cold, I stood looking at this stream for half an hour.
I’ve been feeling overwhelmingly existential lately. It first occurred three days ago as I was fixing my hair and for the first time I noticed how crooked my smile is. I then couldn’t help but think of the fact that I will never actually be able to see myself, only my reflection. For a while that day I thought of how I seem to people. What it’s like to have a conversation with me. I thought of the odd faces I probably make as I speak.
The next day I started thinking about my youth. I thought about time passed, decisions made and wrong paths. I thought of how I feel stuck. I thought of how I feel old, and how that is possible when I’m still so young.
Every now and again I have these feelings. It’s imperative to face these thoughts, as burying them just to have them resurface only exemplifies them at a later time. I wrote off my reservations as a phase I was just going through. I told myself it would pass. It hasn’t passed. It’s ever-present. At what point do you move on? When do you rectify the situation? How do you rectify the situation?
“Weird” is something I’ve been called for as long as I can remember. I got made fun of a lot during middle school & high school, probably because I am weird. I never really fit in with the kids I went to school with. I went through an odd phase in life where I only painted my nails black and I always wore band tee’s from Hot Topic. I even dyed my hair black and I resembled Wednesday Addams.
I was continuously reinventing myself as a teenager. I didn’t truly discover who I am until I hit twenty. Before that my days were filled with a lot of doubt, self-sabotage and insecurity. For a long time I thought being weird was a bad thing. I wondered what was wrong with me and why I wasn’t like everybody else.
One day somebody I used to know called me weird, only as a compliment. He said that I was unlike anyone he knew and that’s what made me, me. At that moment I had an epiphany. I realized that my strange, slightly flamboyant personality is what makes me different- and that’s a good thing. Being different is what makes me memorable. I don’t know about you, but I want to be memorable.
I think it takes time to really discover who you are. I think it takes even more time to genuinely accept yourself. Once you stop trying to be like everyone else and focus your energy on loving and cultivating yourself, it’s inevitable that you’ll be happier.
Being weird is not a bad thing. I hope none of you ever feel like it is.